To Feel Alive
by Jessarai
Summary: When he supposedly died, she died as well. It's been five months since he left, and she's at her breaking point. She has never felt as dead as now, and she will do anything to join him, anything to feel alive, even if she must take her own life. DeiSaku.


**Disclaimer:** I'm not secretly Masashi Kishimoto, and therefore I have absolutely no ownership of Naruto.

Author's Note: And I'm back! I know there's at least one person who is not all that thrilled to know the he didn't insult me off the site. To that person - I must agree, my writing was poor. It may still be poor, but nonetheless it is definitely better than before. Or else my English teacher completely failed X3X. Enjoy ~! Or, for somebody I know, continue to waste your time and insult me, since you seem to have much time for it!

*****YAY!! I WON THE CONTEST!!!!*****

* * *

**DeiSaku OneShot Contest**: To Feel Alive

I stood at the edge of the bridge named after the Sixth Hokage, my friend, and my teammate, Uzamaki Naruto. The waves crashed against the rocks below me, slowly smoothing it. A sudden, sickening pain shot through me; he had been the very wave of my life as a rock.

I grudgingly let my memories flood me. I remember his musical laugh, his silken blond hair, and his beautiful sky blue eyes. Everything about him was perfection; he _was_ the quintessence of art, not the fleeting moment of an explosion of colors. The smell of his cologne still seemed to linger in the air around me, just as that spot on my shoulder blade still tingled where his hot breath had washed over me. I closed my eyes, wishing that if I prayed hard enough, he would come back from his deep slumber.

Taking a sharp breath, I extended one of my legs into the open. _One more step_, I thought, _one more step, and I'll be with him._ The thought of his presence beside me – the simple thought brought me into utter ecstasy. Slowly, I took one last breath –

"_Sakura!_" I jumped at the sound of Naruto's angry voice. "Are you out of your mind?!" Kakashi is running behind my teammate, an equally angry and shocked expression played out on his face. Naruto pulled me away from the bridge's edge; if I were Haruno Sakura, I would have fought. But I am no longer Haruno Sakura, but a girl who died four months ago.

"Sakura, you should stop doing this to yourself. Try going out with your friends," Kakashi advised. His advice fell on deaf ears.

Throughout the journey home, I was silent. I made no noise; I didn't eat, I rarely slept, and it seemed as if I didn't breath. On multiple occasions, Kakashi and Naruto checked my pulse to see if I was still breathing.

We're back in Konoha now; the city is active with laughing children and happy villagers. I'm the only one who's not euphoric; I'm the only one who's _real_. Everyone around me is a fake, a liar. The nurses keep on telling me that I'll pull through and all that shit with fake smiles on their faces. They're goddamn liars, they make themselves _think_ that everything's alright, but it's not true. I can't stand the way they're so idyllic. I just want to shoot them, show them what being _alive_ is! How dare they try to comfort me! They, the people who took the life of my one beloved! No, not only those stupid smiling nurses should burn in hell – for all I care, _all_ of Konoha should burn in hell!

I shut my eyes, and try to rid my mind of such foul thoughts. But it can't be helped – not only had they taken the life of Deidara, but they took his body, too.

I glare at my door. I know there are about sixteen bolts on the other side, but if I try hard enough, I can break through that door easily and make my way out of Konoha. Again.

No, no, no, no. If they want to imprison me, they can – I'll just take my life in this little hellhole they call my room. Hah – I wonder how much confidence there will be left in the Konoha Psychiatric Ward after I take my life.

I rack my brain for an idea; this room is so empty, so sickeningly white. It's windowless; I never get to know if it is day or night. I have a single mattress on the ground, and that is it. They make sure I have nothing in which to harm myself with. I am interrupted by a nurse; I angrily glare at her, but she tries to ignore it by putting yet another phony smile on her face.

"It is time for your medicine, Miss Haruno," she says. As she tries to give me those sickening pills, I throw them across the room to the equally sickening white wall.

"Do you know how dead I feel?"

"Well, yes, that's what these medicines are for."

"They do _nothing_ for me! I want to feel alive!"

"You will, if you take these, Miss Haruno!"

"No, I _won't_! You've taken my life! I'm a dead woman walking!"

"Miss Haruno, please don't get upset, you'll hurt your baby!" I stop, and stare down at my bulging stomach. I've been pregnant for six months now, he's been dead for five. I grudgingly agree, only because I love my unborn child. The nurse leaves after I have taken my medicine, and my mind is back to wander. Should I take my life, and that of my child?

* * *

A muffled grunt comes from a man right outside the great city of Konoha. He has been running towards the city all day and night, ever since he woke up five days ago. He has exhausted his chakra; many a ninja would have passed out days ago, but not him. A burning desire to touch his beloved keeps him moving on. He barely steps a foot into the city's borders, and he is surrounded by Konoha ninja.

"What's your business here?" one asks behind an animal-styled mask.

"I'm here on my way to visit my lover," he replies.

"Hey, I think I know him," another Konoha ninja interjects, trying to get a closer view to the intruder. Though his once beautiful face has been marred, he still holds a strong resemblance to a hated man.

"You're coming with us."

"To the Hokage's office, then, I hope?"

"Yeah, sure. Let's go, boys." Ignoring his growling stomach, having not eaten ever since he woke up, the man eagerly agrees, for he knows what awaits him at their destination. The Hokage would recognize him, and he would kindly let him see his lover. The simple thought of reunion sent the man in a euphoric mood. He'd just have to wait a little longer.

As they go through the city, the man asks, "Are we not heading to the Hokage's office?" He is confused; they have passed by the Hokage's manor.

"No, not you. You're going straight to prison."

"What?! I demand to see the Hokage immediately, she would understand my need!"

"I'm sorry, sir, but that's impossible."

"Release me, now!"

"Detain him!" The man gets away easily, snatching the katana of an unaware ninja.

"Where is Haruno Sakura?"

"Now that's none of your business."

"Tell me, or this kid dies!"

"No!" The man holds a young boy in his arms; he holds a remarkable resemblance to the Hokage, but he holds pale blue-purple eyes. It is no other than the Hokage's son.

"Tell me. _Now_."

"She's in the Psychiatric Ward. By the hospital." In a mass confusion, an explosion erupts overhead and the Hokage's son is shoved into the Anbu while the man makes his getaway. He rushes to the building, half killing the receptionist as he demands to know her room number. He takes four steps at a time up the stairs; little does he know, it is already too late.

* * *

"Miss Haruno, it's time to take your eat your breakfast. Miss Haruno?" The nurse lightly shakes my shoulder. The flesh is colder than it should be, and I don't respond.

She leaves the breakfast at the edge of my bed, and rushes out of the room towards the doctor's office. She passes by a blonde-haired man on her way down, but she takes little notice of him, or his marred face.

Meanwhile, back in the room, I spring up back to life. As I had hoped, there is a knife on the breakfast tray, as there always is. I chuckle inwardly; the nurse is so naïve. Protocol says that a nurse should never leave a patient with a knife, or any other instrument that can inflict harm. How the nurse could have forgotten about it so easily is beyond me, but I couldn't care less.

I stare down at my stomach again, and let myself cry. _I'm very sorry, my child. We will both join Daddy be joining soon. At last, I will feel alive again_. I snatch the knife, and stick it straight through my heart.

I admit; I underestimated the pain. I rid myself of the emotion and fill my mind with thoughts of my lover. There is a yell at the door – has the nurse realized her mistake? No, that cannot be it; it is a man's yell. Nurses come rushing into the room, crowding around my numbing body. I'm losing life, and fast. A blonde man pushes his way through the nurses, and holds me gently.

"What have you done to yourself, Sakura, un?" he asks, tears running down his cheeks. I hold his scarred, but still beautiful, face, caressing it as he is doing to mine. How silly of me, I've gone as far as to imagine he is here beside me. I manage to pry my mouth open long enough to utter three small words:

"I love you."

* * *

"_SAKURA!_" Deidara yells as Anbu quickly file into the room to detain him. He shoves them off as best as he can; but, no doubt, it is not long before they overpower him. "What have you done?! _What have you done to my Sakura?!_" His voice is coarse, his tears stings his open face wounds. If only the Anbu hadn't gotten in his way, he would have been able to stop her from committing suicide. Those damned Anbu. Forget them, those damned Konoha ninja!

At last, he is able to break free, and he lunges for the knife protruding from his lover's chest and brings the knife to his neck. The nurses and Anbu beg for him to stop, but he will not. He won't have his life go on while Sakura's is gone.

"You don't need to do this!" a nurse screams, but it is of no use.

"This," says Deidara, "is your entire fault. We love each other, yet you had us separated. You had my death faked; you made her believe I was dead. She has taken her life to join me; I shall join her in death, too." He holds Sakura's cold hand in his own as he utters his last words, "I'm sorry, Sakura-chan, un." The Anbu lunge forward, but they are too slow; red splatters the white walls of the room, and, at last, they are together. Because of their burning passion for each other, it was the only way to feel alive.

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**Author's Note:** this slightly or, to some, extremely, depressing story is for Lovagirl132's DeiSaku Contest. Yay, I finally got my lazy butt up to enter a contest ~! There's probably some mistakes, because i ended up changed some parts at the last moment, so I'm sorry if there are some. it would bother me if there were a lot, so i understand.

X Ookamika Saori (Jessarai)

yes it is a new name! ^^


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